I Watched Out for Justice

The Master of Aikido

The Ponytail Pioneer

The Slapping Samurai

These are all names that Steven Seagal probably calls himself.  I watched his opus, Out for Justice, so that you don’t have to.  But before I recap, here’s the trailer!

This movie came out in 1991.  This is one year before Steven Seagal’s mega hit Under Siege, and only about six years before his films could be found in bargain bins.  Such a meteoric rise and fall this one.

What can we say?  The boy loves justice.

What can we say? The boy loves justice.

Let’s jump into the story.  The story where Steven (yes, it’s funnier to call him that) is out….out for JUSTICE.

First off, the intro to this movie is completely #(%@ insane.  Steven plays a police officer named Gino.

Because...sure.

Because…sure.

His friend, and partner, Bobby Lupo, are sitting in their car waiting…for something.  We’re told there’s a million dollar deal going down.  This is neither fleshed out or mentioned again in the movie.  While waiting for this deal to go down, Steven witnesses a pimp beating up a prostitute.

Steven, picking up this interaction with his ponytail radar, gets out of his car and assaults said pimp.

What did you say about my mother?

What did you say about my mother?

The other officers are annoyed that Steven PLAYS BY NO ONES RULES BUT HIS OWN, and reluctantly help with the arrest.  Even the arrest doesn’t go as planned because the pimp has the stupidity of saying something mean to Steven.  Steven, feelings hurts, grabs the pimp and downright…KILLS HIM.

killshim

Yeah, Steven just KILLED A MAN for talking back to him.  Was this in the script?  Was that actor actually killed?  I can’t find an imdb page for him so yeah, maybe!  RIP pimp actor.

R.I.P.I.M.P.

R.I.P.I.M.P.

This scene serves NO purpose.  Steven isn’t put on any sort of leave for flat out killing an unarmed man.  The other characters don’t make a later appearance.  This is just something that happened.  I believe that Steven killed a man during a shoot, and well, they had cameras already so they just went ahead and filmed it.

Wait, you guys were filming this?

Wait, you guys were filming this?

Let’s delve into the intricate story that follows.  Steven’s partner, Bobby is having a fun little stroll with his family in Brooklyn.

I'm so happy to be alive!

I’m so happy to be alive!

Sadly his stroll is interrupted by a dozen bullets from, who I can only describe as fat Hitler.

NOT 12, BUT NIEN!

NOT 12 BULLETS, BUT NIEN!

Why did this happen?  Spoilers: Bobby was seeing Fat Hitler’s girlfriend.  This is the big reveal later in the film.  It would take viewers about an hour to discover this, but I gave it to you upfront.  You’re welcome.  So where were we?  Oh right.  Bobby is dead and Steven is an emotional wreck for losing his friend and partner.

What is this emotion and how can I slap it to death?

What is this emotion and how can I slap it to death?

Steven vows to dispatch his own sense of justice once he discovers the identity of the culprit.  Unfortunately, his captain informs him that there were no witnesses to the crime.

None.

None.

No.

No.

No one in sight.

No one in sight.

Luckily, Steven only friends are mobster types.  There’s only two scenes in the film where he interacts with other cops because he’s out for justice and just doesn’t have time to deal with their paperwork bullcrap, okay?  It doesn’t take Steven long to discover that Fat Hitler killed his friend.  Oh, and we are told that Steven and Fat Hitler grew up together.  Oh, now it’s not just justice….it’s PERSONAL.  Or something.  I don’t know, really.  Speaking of me being confused, Fat Hitler is having a fun little rampage shooting random civilians in broad daylight.

He shot a broad in broad daylight as two witnesses smile on for some reason.

He shot a broad in broad daylight as two witnesses smile on for some reason.

Um, what?  Even in video games, you wouldn’t be able to get away with that.  I mean, in Grand Theft Auto, that would at least be a star or two, right?  I guess there were no witnesses to this crime either (except for the two smiling in the window).  Perhaps he’s causing a rampage in the Blind District of Brooklyn?

Where was Steven during this crime?  Talking to some mob guy.  I didn’t write down his name nor will I look it up.  I don’t know, let’s call him Tony.

Tony...Fettuccine

Tony…Fettuccine

In one of my favorite scenes (of which there are many), Steven and Tony have a conversation that switches from Italian to english a total of FIVE *@$)! TIMES!  Who talks like this?  Steven will say something in english, Tony will reply in Italian, in which Steven will respond in Italian only for Tony to respond back in english.  I went cross-eyed having to move my eyes from the screen down to the subtitles and back.  It’s bonkers.

After this exchange, Steven drives around Brooklyn (montage style) set to The Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep Til Brooklyn.”  While montage-ing it up, someone driving ahead of Steven tosses a dog out of their car.

dogroadSteven stops his car and picks up the dog and attempts emotion.

What's this feeling and how do I make it stop?

What’s this feeling and how do I make it stop?

My only guess is that the director saw that Steven wasn’t likeable, via actor or human, and so they decided to give him a C story as a proud dog owner.  This dog will not play a part AT ALL in the story.  Instead, this dog will be riding shotgun for the ENTIRE FILM.

Be it day...

Be it day…

...or night.

…or night.

I can only imagine that this dog was inserted later into the script because the director thought, “Who hates dogs? Nazis that’s who!” OH, segue!

I HATE DOGS.  I LIKE CATS.  I HAVE NIEN OF THEM!

I HATE DOGS. I LIKE CATS. I HAVE NIEN OF THEM!

After discovering that Fat Hitler was responsible for the death of Bobby, Steven exacts revenge by knocking over things.

I HATE BEER!

I HATE BEER!

"Who's hot dog is this?" - actual line

“Who’s hot dog is this?” – actual line

Paper? Gross!

Paper? Gross!

One these locations that Steven has a tantrum at is a downstairs bar.  Steven discharges his weapon into the roof to announce his arrival.  The “villains,” freak out because, hey, there’s probably people upstairs.  Fortunately Steven informs them, “there’s nobody upstairs.”

I'm uh...pretty sure.  45%...40%.

I’m uh…pretty sure. 45%…40%.

He then engages in a fight with EVERYONE AT THE BAR.  Luckily they have an asian stereotype that they call Sticks.  They call him this because he uh, is good with sticks.  I’m not from Brooklyn, but I’m wondering if this nickname practice is commonplace over there?  If it is, I’d stay clear of Gun McGee.  Anyways, Sticks and Steven fight in an epic showdown.

Swing like a butterfly!  Sting like a bee!

Swing like a butterfly! Sting like a bee!

He's swinging too fast!  Like some sort of butterfly!

He’s swinging too fast! Like some sort of butterfly!

I’m jumping out of order, but who cares?  Steven also fights off people at a meat store/butcher shop/meatory.  Steven dispatches these people as well.

Wrong move, cashier/henchmen!

Wrong move, cashier/henchmen!

Is he still going?  I really have to pee, you guys.

Is he still going? I really have to pee, you guys.

Again, no cops come to his aid.  Probably because they think he’s a dick.  That or they’re just not used to his brand of JUSTICE!

Okay, I have to admit something here.  I kind of lost track of what was happening after most of the fighting.  It’s not that the movie was confusing.  I’m just bored when Steven isn’t unleashing Steven Seagal level death.  Watching Steven mumble his way through a convoluted plot is not my idea of a good time.

For the last time, I get a chair because I'm the star.

For the last time, I get a chair because I’m the star.

I think Steven found out that Bobby was a corrupt cop?  He repeatedly tells the viewers at how the two of them were best friends.  So I’m not sure why Steven wold be completely unaware of this?  Also Fat Hitler killed his girlfriend, Roxanne.  Another woman appears, but her purpose is to act as a love interest to Steven.  This relationship brings out some strong emotions in Steven:

PICTURE NOT FOUND.

While Steven is knocking over things and beating up people for information, Tony and the mobsters are planning to kill Fat Hitler.  Apparently they don’t like having a loose cannon randomly hurting people that aren’t named Steven Seagal.

It’s now a race against time (or not) for Steven to kill everyone on screen before the mobsters do.  Can he do it?!  Of course he can!

Ow.

Ow.

Pow pow!

Pow pow!

My leg!

My leg!

I'm not playing you guys!  It really hurts!

I’m not playing you guys! It really hurts!

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for.  Steven vs. Fat Hitler.  Never have there been two fighters of equal stre…

Wait...

Wait…

Stop!

Stop!

Steven, cut it out!

Steven, cut it out!

Ah!  My arch-nemesis, the corkscrew!

Ah! My arch-nemesis, the corkscrew!

Fat Hitler doesn’t even get single punch in!  About halfway through this, “fight,” I found myself rooting for Fat Hitler.  Wow, I never thought I’d say that.  I’m not a Nazi or anything, I just did Na-zi that fight coming (I’ll see myself out).

Just to be on the safe side (and not understanding how death works), Steven grabs Tony’s gun and repeatedly shoots Fat Hitler.

I HAVE TO BE SURE!

I HAVE TO BE SURE!

To celebrate his brand of justice, Steven, his girlfriend (or whoever), and his dog walk off into the distance, but not before finding the man who threw the dog and kicking him in the balls.

Justice is served.

Justice.

Because Steven is more then a person.  He’s an idea.  An idea that can’t die.  An immortal idea that serves justice.  And justice has been served.

Or something.

Or something.

 

 

 

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