Today is Halloween.  Now back in the day, television sitcoms would throw in ham-fisted Halloween themed episodes to ring in the holiday.  They probably still do this, but with the advent of things like Netflix I just watched a Christmas episode of Supernatural, so, uh, yolo!?

Here’s a recap of two “great’ Halloween episodes from “great” shows.

“Murder On The Halloween Express”
Sabrina The Teenage Witch
Season 6 – Episode 4

This episode begins with Sabrina’s aunts, Zelda and Hilda, making Halloween taffy.  Because I guess they’re going to pretend like this is a thing people do.

While taffying, the girls receive an invite to the “Mystery Train.”  A train ride that involve solving a murder!  So original!  It’s like Clue, but on a train!  Sadly, this means that a butler is probably not the culprit.

Cut to Sabrina talking to a group of friends at a coffee shop.  I checked out of this show after a few seasons and so I don’t recognize ANY of these people (well except Harvey Kinkle, now demoted to friend status).  I’m going to just assume that all of her previous friends were killed in freak spell related activities and these are the mid series replacements.

Sabrina informs these friends that they’re going to go on a mystery train ride!  They want to protest, but this show isn’t called Friends of a Witch that Have Independent Thought.  Sabrina’s new boyfriend, Josh, tries to protest, but she puts up the argument that she, “thought it’d be fun.”  Not needing more of a discussion, Josh agrees.

On the train, Sabrina manages to get some Halloween taffy (stop trying to make this a thing, writers!) and excuses herself to the bathroom.  What’s great about this is that she got it on a glove, so I don’t know, maybe, take off the glove?  Or, oh wait.  She’s a witch.  Surely there’s a spell she can cast to clean a glove?  Nope!

As she makes her exit, the train conductor informs Sabrina’s friends of the roles that they will all be playing in this murder mystery.  But wait, being a show about the supernatural, these friends won’t just play parts, but they’ll BECOME the parts!

Wait…what?  Sabrina realizes the error she made.  Having sent mortals on a supernatural train ride.  Normal, non-supernatural, folk aren’t supposed to be on this train and this cast a spell on them making them characters in the murder mystery story.  I mean, they’re already characters in the show, but now they’re characters in a story within a story!

I have NO idea how this scenario would go down with non-mortals on the train.  Apparently it doesn’t?  Maybe they capture humans to play the roles every year?  Who knows or cares.  Oh, also Sabrina is cast as a detective solving the murder!  Who’s murder?  Josh’s!

Now, this is a supernatural show.  Josh isn’t breathing.  He’s dead.  Like, for real dead.  At no point does Sabrina asks if he will be revived at the end of this game.  Does she just assume this?  Don’t make assumptions. Ms. Spellman.  It makes you look like an idiot.

Zelda and Hilda, apparently taking a break from all of that Halloween taffy finally realize that Sabrina isn’t home from school or work or whatever.  Salem, the talking cat, tells the women where Sabrina is.  Hey, just a thought.  When someone from your family is missing and the only person that knows is YOUR PET CAT, then maybe you should spent less effort making Halloween taffy and more effort in parenting?

So Sabrina interrogates her friends, allowing them to show off their limited acting range to the studio executives.  Meanwhile Zelda and Hilda arrive at the train station or possibly the entrance to Space Mountain?

Sabrina, too stupid to solve this case, is assisted by Salem.  Salem adorns a Sherlock costume because I guess that’s adorable?

He solves the crime that Sabrina can not.  And does this all while smoking from his pipe.

And the murderer is…….Sabrina for some reason!

Apparently she murdered him because she was angry that he didn’t agree right away with her Halloween plans?  So the lesson is that…uh…don’t piss off Sabrina?

Josh is revived and each of her friends receive a healthy dose of amnesia.  Sabrina admits to Josh that she was being a real *itch and all is forgiven.  For now at least.  For Sabrina has already killed Josh once, and now she knows what it’s like to kill…That or these events will never be spoken about again…

“Mystery Weekend”
Saved by the Bell
Season 3 – Episode 26

I have to admit something here.  I was never a fan of Saved by the Bell.  I’ve seen a few episode before, but I never felt like I was missing out by not catching it when it aired.  After watching this Halloween episode, I can safely say I made the right decision.

This episode begins with the Bayside gang arriving at a mansion.  Lisa Turtle won tickets from a radio contest to visit a mansion on the weekend for a murder myster…son of a…

The host introduces himself as Steven Jameson the Third and then Zack introduces himself as Zack Morris the First because he’s kind of a dick.

Then we are introduced to a 40 year old woman dressed in a slutty maid costume.

The guys get their jollies looking at her even though she’s old enough to be their mom.  Speaking of old, we’re introduced to two others.

Like most old people, they don’t really serve a purpose.  We are to assume that they are contest winners as well, but this is never brought up.  I guess I’ll just ignore them for most of this recap since the writers completely ignored them as well.

Oh, and also there’s a butler

Also, a piano player…who is quickly murdered!

And so the mystery begins.  Including what the age of consent is in California.

Another mystery is where Screech got this Sherlock costume from.

Does anyone else agree that I could just copy and paste my recap from the Sabrina episode?  I won’t, but it IS tempting.

Zack, in an attempt to ruin everyone’s weekend, decides to announce who the killer is…the butler!  But, what’s this!?

Maybe you should take a Time Out, Zack, and think before you speak?

Within minutes, a detective appears to help solve the crime.  He questions Screech who panics and admits to murder.

The detective tells Screech to stop being a gross human being and begins to tell the Bayside gang who the REAL killer is.  Of course there’s 10 minutes left of this episode, so his declaration is quickly silenced by a pack of arrows to the back

Now let’s rewind this scene for a second.  We see the detective walking towards Jessie sans arrrows.

The lights go out for a full second.  Although we can see that no one has moved.

 

When the lights come back on…he’s become a human bullseye.

Obviously we’re supposed to assume, within the context of the story, that someone placed these arrows in his back during that second, but that visibly didn’t happen.  Why didn’t Jessie see this?  She could have saved us another 10 minutes of this crap.

Next up, the old woman’s necklace disappears (I guess that was her purpose?), and Jameson is almost murdered by a slow falling axe.

If you can’t tell, the axe only moved after Ms. Turtle slammed Jameson into the door.

Jameson informs the group that the axe was totally NOT planned and that he wants to call the whole thing off.  Also we are informed that there was a $500 reward for the one who guessed the killer.  Zack, being wrong on his earlier guess, asks for the money because he’s kind of a douche.

Jameson declines, but offers free vouchers to spend another weekend there.  I may be in the minority here, but I can’t imagine spending the weekend somewhere dangerous and actively think, “Well it’s bad NOW, but I’m sure next weekend will be much safer!”

The gang pack their bags, but before leaving, Lisa reminds Zack of the vouchers.  Feeling vulnerable, Lisa asks Zack to lock the door on his way out.  Hey, reader.  Did you get that?  Lisa feels vulnerable and so she ASKS ZACK TO LOCK HER IN THE ROOM.  Because what’s safer then being trapped?  Possibly everything?

Zack confronts the host about the voucher, but before handing them to Mr. Morris, the lights go out again.

Jameson disappears and Zack is left alone.  Oh wait, no.  Everyone was waiting outside apparently.

Zack tells them what happens and to double check his story, reach for the vouchers.  Instead it’s the $500.  So now Zack looks guilty.  I’m just going to reiterate this.  Everyone at the mansion are currently in the belief that they are in REAL danger.  Zack now looks as though he stole money from Jameson and possibly killed him.  Get all of that?  It’s no longer a game, #(%@% just got real!

Zack’s friends all behave the way you think people would respond to finding out that their friend is possibly a killer.  With total disinterest.

If I was Zack Morris, I’d stop time right here and get the hell out of dodge.  Instead, he remembers that they have a friend named Lisa.  She has been completely absent for these events.  They walk into the room where he last saw her, but GASP, she’s gone!

At this point Zack is in shock and tells them there’s no way that she could be gone because he locked the door.  AGAIN, let me repeat that.  Zack locked the door on the outside and Lisa was TRAPPED in that room.  Do me a favor real quick.  Find me a door in your home.  Be it for your bedroom or bathroom.  Next, is it a door that can be locked?  Okay, and next question.  Can it be locked ONLY from the outside?  Is there no possible way to unlock it from the other side?  If you said yes to all of these, then you are probably insane and hide bodies in that room.

I just got sidetracked, so where was I?  Oh right, cops appear to help solve the case!  Now these cops are supposedly real, remember?  The game is over.  Now we’re trying to find out if Zack Morris is wanted for attempted murder.  Oh, here’s a screen grab of the cops.

That woman sure looks like a man…but wait, I’m getting ahead of the idiot characters.  So, somehow, Zack gains intelligence and realizes what’s happening.  He solves the mystery by realizing that Lisa was in on it the whole time!  Shock!  Also Jameson and the butler are the cops!

No answer to the mystery of why they couldn’t just afford other actors.  Nope, had to be drag I guess.  Zack delves deeper, solving the murder of the piano player and realizes it was…Jameson!  And that’s not all!  Zack discovers that the detective was murdered by, who else, but…the butler!

For those with good memory (and better memory then that of the writers), the detective  was brought in to investigate the murder of the character that supposedly killed him.  So I think it’s safe to assume Jameson and his pals would hella cheat at a game of Clue.  I guess I gave more thought writing this short recap then the writers did writing this piece of crap.

Oh, and on a final note, it’s revealed that the two old people WERE in on it.  So the only people not acting in the murder mystery were the Bayside gang (sans Lisa).  So essentially Jameson was going to give them $500 regardless of the outcome.  He just wanted an excuse to dress in drag.

The Master of Aikido

The Ponytail Pioneer

The Slapping Samurai

These are all names that Steven Seagal probably calls himself.  I watched his opus, Out for Justice, so that you don’t have to.  But before I recap, here’s the trailer!

This movie came out in 1991.  This is one year before Steven Seagal’s mega hit Under Siege, and only about six years before his films could be found in bargain bins.  Such a meteoric rise and fall this one.

Let’s jump into the story.  The story where Steven (yes, it’s funnier to call him that) is out….out for JUSTICE.

First off, the intro to this movie is completely #(%@ insane.  Steven plays a police officer named Gino.

His friend, and partner, Bobby Lupo, are sitting in their car waiting…for something.  We’re told there’s a million dollar deal going down.  This is neither fleshed out or mentioned again in the movie.  While waiting for this deal to go down, Steven witnesses a pimp beating up a prostitute.

Steven, picking up this interaction with his ponytail radar, gets out of his car and assaults said pimp.

The other officers are annoyed that Steven PLAYS BY NO ONES RULES BUT HIS OWN, and reluctantly help with the arrest.  Even the arrest doesn’t go as planned because the pimp has the stupidity of saying something mean to Steven.  Steven, feelings hurts, grabs the pimp and downright…KILLS HIM.

Yeah, Steven just KILLED A MAN for talking back to him.  Was this in the script?  Was that actor actually killed?  I can’t find an imdb page for him so yeah, maybe!  RIP pimp actor.

This scene serves NO purpose.  Steven isn’t put on any sort of leave for flat out killing an unarmed man.  The other characters don’t make a later appearance.  This is just something that happened.  I believe that Steven killed a man during a shoot, and well, they had cameras already so they just went ahead and filmed it.

Let’s delve into the intricate story that follows.  Steven’s partner, Bobby is having a fun little stroll with his family in Brooklyn.

Sadly his stroll is interrupted by a dozen bullets from, who I can only describe as fat Hitler.

Why did this happen?  Spoilers: Bobby was seeing Fat Hitler’s girlfriend.  This is the big reveal later in the film.  It would take viewers about an hour to discover this, but I gave it to you upfront.  You’re welcome.  So where were we?  Oh right.  Bobby is dead and Steven is an emotional wreck for losing his friend and partner.

Steven vows to dispatch his own sense of justice once he discovers the identity of the culprit.  Unfortunately, his captain informs him that there were no witnesses to the crime.

Luckily, Steven only friends are mobster types.  There’s only two scenes in the film where he interacts with other cops because he’s out for justice and just doesn’t have time to deal with their paperwork bullcrap, okay?  It doesn’t take Steven long to discover that Fat Hitler killed his friend.  Oh, and we are told that Steven and Fat Hitler grew up together.  Oh, now it’s not just justice….it’s PERSONAL.  Or something.  I don’t know, really.  Speaking of me being confused, Fat Hitler is having a fun little rampage shooting random civilians in broad daylight.

Um, what?  Even in video games, you wouldn’t be able to get away with that.  I mean, in Grand Theft Auto, that would at least be a star or two, right?  I guess there were no witnesses to this crime either (except for the two smiling in the window).  Perhaps he’s causing a rampage in the Blind District of Brooklyn?

Where was Steven during this crime?  Talking to some mob guy.  I didn’t write down his name nor will I look it up.  I don’t know, let’s call him Tony.

In one of my favorite scenes (of which there are many), Steven and Tony have a conversation that switches from Italian to english a total of FIVE *@$)! TIMES!  Who talks like this?  Steven will say something in english, Tony will reply in Italian, in which Steven will respond in Italian only for Tony to respond back in english.  I went cross-eyed having to move my eyes from the screen down to the subtitles and back.  It’s bonkers.

After this exchange, Steven drives around Brooklyn (montage style) set to The Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep Til Brooklyn.”  While montage-ing it up, someone driving ahead of Steven tosses a dog out of their car.

Steven stops his car and picks up the dog and attempts emotion.

My only guess is that the director saw that Steven wasn’t likeable, via actor or human, and so they decided to give him a C story as a proud dog owner.  This dog will not play a part AT ALL in the story.  Instead, this dog will be riding shotgun for the ENTIRE FILM.

I can only imagine that this dog was inserted later into the script because the director thought, “Who hates dogs? Nazis that’s who!” OH, segue!

After discovering that Fat Hitler was responsible for the death of Bobby, Steven exacts revenge by knocking over things.

One these locations that Steven has a tantrum at is a downstairs bar.  Steven discharges his weapon into the roof to announce his arrival.  The “villains,” freak out because, hey, there’s probably people upstairs.  Fortunately Steven informs them, “there’s nobody upstairs.”

He then engages in a fight with EVERYONE AT THE BAR.  Luckily they have an asian stereotype that they call Sticks.  They call him this because he uh, is good with sticks.  I’m not from Brooklyn, but I’m wondering if this nickname practice is commonplace over there?  If it is, I’d stay clear of Gun McGee.  Anyways, Sticks and Steven fight in an epic showdown.

I’m jumping out of order, but who cares?  Steven also fights off people at a meat store/butcher shop/meatory.  Steven dispatches these people as well.

Again, no cops come to his aid.  Probably because they think he’s a dick.  That or they’re just not used to his brand of JUSTICE!

Okay, I have to admit something here.  I kind of lost track of what was happening after most of the fighting.  It’s not that the movie was confusing.  I’m just bored when Steven isn’t unleashing Steven Seagal level death.  Watching Steven mumble his way through a convoluted plot is not my idea of a good time.

I think Steven found out that Bobby was a corrupt cop?  He repeatedly tells the viewers at how the two of them were best friends.  So I’m not sure why Steven wold be completely unaware of this?  Also Fat Hitler killed his girlfriend, Roxanne.  Another woman appears, but her purpose is to act as a love interest to Steven.  This relationship brings out some strong emotions in Steven:

PICTURE NOT FOUND.

While Steven is knocking over things and beating up people for information, Tony and the mobsters are planning to kill Fat Hitler.  Apparently they don’t like having a loose cannon randomly hurting people that aren’t named Steven Seagal.

It’s now a race against time (or not) for Steven to kill everyone on screen before the mobsters do.  Can he do it?!  Of course he can!

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for.  Steven vs. Fat Hitler.  Never have there been two fighters of equal stre…

Fat Hitler doesn’t even get single punch in!  About halfway through this, “fight,” I found myself rooting for Fat Hitler.  Wow, I never thought I’d say that.  I’m not a Nazi or anything, I just did Na-zi that fight coming (I’ll see myself out).

Just to be on the safe side (and not understanding how death works), Steven grabs Tony’s gun and repeatedly shoots Fat Hitler.

To celebrate his brand of justice, Steven, his girlfriend (or whoever), and his dog walk off into the distance, but not before finding the man who threw the dog and kicking him in the balls.

Because Steven is more then a person.  He’s an idea.  An idea that can’t die.  An immortal idea that serves justice.  And justice has been served.