A Very Tanner Thanksgiving

Well it’s that special week.  Time to sift through ads to find the best deal on that new blender you’ve been wanting.  Yes your kids are all, “but mommy, we already have a blender.”  Which you reply, “You’re right, but we have a 7 speed, and I need a 10 speed to make that mix drink that will make you guys more tolerable.”  They’ll cry, you’ll feel dirty, but in the end, that blender will be your salvation, and at such a low price!

Also,  I guess it’s the week of Thanksgiving.  The day we celebrate the pilgrims coming to America…and decimating  the native population.  I’d like to see THAT depicted in an outline of a children’s hand.

Anyways, I watched a Thanksgiving episode of Full house and here’s the recap.  This is a VERY early episode of Full House.   So if you’re looking for a recap of an episode with the Gibbler, look elsewhere.  Also if you’re a fan of that character, I’m sorry, but you’re the worst.

“The Miracle of Thanksgiving”

One thing that has to be mentioned is the original intro.  It’s not too dissimilar from the latter seasons.  We get the crew cruising on the Golden Gate Bridge, laughing at things happening off screen, as well as frolicking down a hill.  But then this quick shot happens.

Now, bad use of blue screen aside, if we were to see the few seconds that happened before this shot we would most definitely see our girls JUST miss being T-boned by a trolley.  Who’s putting the girls in danger?  Is it Jesse?

Come on, I’m on my bike….have mercy.

I can’t imagine it’s Joey.  I haven’t seen every episode, but I don’t believe he knows how to drive.  Unless it’s his good friend/alter ego, but this is B.M.W. (Before Mr. Woodchuck).  So that just leaves Danny.  But I can’t see our family patriarch risking the lives of his….

….What are you…

…oh…oh God no…

Now let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this episode.  Or shall I say turkey and gravy of this episode?  Yeah, that was a lame joke, but I can only make it once a year.  So anyways, Danny barges into Michelle’s room with a pine cone turkey he spent all night working on.

You’re NEVER too old to dress up a pine cone!

After forcing everyone upstairs out of their beds, Danny wakes up Joey who doesn’t have his own bedroom.

I’m LIVING in the LIVING room! Oh, I’m something else, right?!

What’s great about this, is that, there are SEVERAL places that Joey could be living in the house.  Like the basement that Jesse and Becky lived in for quite some time.  Or better yet, how about that giant freaking attic that magically appeared when Becky had kids?  When someone gives birth in the house, does the house, in return, give birth to rooms?

Stop knocking me up, Tanners.

So, Danny purchases all the ingredients, but there’s a problem…THEY’RE MEN AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK!

What’s a vegetable?

Luckily Stephanie and D.J. mention that they’re women, and through the Principle of Being Women, they know to prepare the turkey as well as make a pumpkin pie.  Also, I’d like to point out that Stephanie, later in the episode, mentions she’s 5.  If she could make a pumpkin pie from scratch at the age of 5, I really think she should have kept up with her culinery skills, but I’ll save that for another Full House rant.

So the turkey is taken out of the oven and oh no, it’s FROZEN.

-Hey Jesse, this turkey is a real TURKEY.
– Shut up, Joey.

As the boys make this discovery, D.J. goes on and on about how she misses her mom, this being the first Thanksgiving without her, and asks her dad if she thinks her mom would be proud that she prepared the turkey all by herself.  Danny, not one to get emotional (unless sitting on a bed set to sad music), tells her that yes, her mom WOULD be proud.  As he is talking, there’s a knock at the door.  Danny uses this doorversion to toss the turkey back into the oven.  When the boys open the door, random blondes appear!

RANDOM BLONDES!

Looking for their uncle’s home, they confusingly stepped into the Tanner manner.  And guess what?!  They have a warm turkey with them.  How convenient.  Danny, devising a plan, ushers the girls upstairs so that he can kill the women and take their turkey.

If you hear screams, it’s just the Thanksgiving Turkey granting our wish of a great Thanksgiving dinner……………and a place to hide the bodies.

Danny, in a moment of clarity, changes his mind of bludgeoning for a bird, and tries to buy the turkey from the girls.  He fails though, when Joey frightens them with some physical humor.

I’m a CHAIRMAN!. WACKA WACKA!

How did this happen you ask?  Let’s rewind this tale.  While preparing alcoholic beverages to serve the broads, he gets his tongue stuck in a bottle.

I seriously need to re-examine my life…

You would think Joey can’t become even MORE incompetent at this point, right?  Well, you’d be wrong. As he rounds second base with the bottle, the oven goes up in smoke. OH NO, THE TURKEY!  Rather than get Danny and/or Jesse to save the day from, you know, burning the house down and risking all of their lives, he tries to get them to guess what’s happening by playing charades.

Okay…uh, it’s two words…and sounds like…..attention whore?

By the time they jump over the hurdle that is Joey Gladstone, they find the turkey to be burnt to a crisp.

Maybe no one will notice it if I stand perfectly still…

Now, I must say, unless there was a commercial break in the original airing of this episode, only four minutes have passed since Danny tossed the frozen turkey into the oven.  FOUR MINUTES.  Did Joey add an additional setting on the oven that says “comically hot?”

I bet he did. That idiot.

The girls come downstairs to find that Thanksgiving is ruined.  D.J. blames herself for the turkey and runs upstairs.  Stephanie, also needing to react to something, destroys her pie.

I don’t understand how to hold things.

Both girls, destroying everything they touch, run up to their bedrooms to sulk.  Now, fans of Full House should know what to expect.  It’s time for a little “sitting on beds while heartfelt music plays.”

Everything is okay now!

Yeah, you said it!

As the girls are now prepared to take on the day and ruin everything else that is good, Danny asks Jesse if he’s okay.  For those that don’t know, Jesse is Danny’s brother-in-law so as Danny lost his wife,  Jesse lost his sister.  It’s a very special episode.  Not wanting to talk about it,  Danny forces Jesse to spill his sadness anyways.

Jesse, sit on the bed.

No, you can’t mak…

…ah, damnit.

We end this tearjerker of an episode with the family eating their failed Thanksgiving dinner in hopes that life will get easier at the Tanner house.  Which, thanks to the  eventual appearance of Kimmy Gibbler’s character, will never happen.

4 Horror Sequels to Avoid

Well it’s Halloween. So what better way to celebrate then to review some horror films? Most websites that discuss horror films will list the best of the best (The Exorcist, The Shining, From Justin to Kelly), but for this site, we’re going to talk about 4 terrible sequels. Let’s kick things off…

Wrong Turn 5

 

Get it? There’s FIVE fingers, AND it’s the FIFTH movie. CLEVER!

 

Apparently the first one was in theaters, and there have been 4 sequels, with this new one just hitting shelves. I haven’t seen any of the previous films, but I don’t believe the “filmmakers,” of this one have either.

The plot of is…actually I’m using that term quite loosely. Actually, I don’t want to say that word again in association with this film. Actually, I don’t want to say say, “film,” in association with this thing either. It’s a thing, and it happened.

So this thing takes place in a town. Right outside the town is a music festival that a news reporter tells us RIVALS Lollapalooza and Coachella. Yeah, you heard that right. Now imagine how many people that could be. This town is essentially hosting this festival, with people coming from all over to stay in town for the concert. Now let’s look at this town…

 

There were crowds for as far as the eyes can see!   – A blind person

 

Did the news reporter choose the least crowded street? Also, that is the MOST people in one shot we’ll see in the entire film. After this shot, they all pull a David Copperfield and disappear. Is that the right term? To, “pull a David Copperfield?” I haven’t seen a performance by him since he made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Maybe that’s what I should have typed. The townspeople pulled a Statue of Liberty. Anyways, they all disappear, bye bye, and we’re left with main cast.

After this introduction to the shoddy set, we meet a group of college students that are TOTALLY looking forward to this festival. We know this because they brought pot, mushrooms AND ecstasy with them.

 

Hey guys, I didn’t know what drugs to bring so I just brought them all!

 

These guys know how to party! And OH how they party. For instance, they tell stories around a campfire.

 

Submitted for approval, of the Midnight Society, is the worst exposition ever.

 

The story they tell is of the cannibals that have attacked the town in the past. Essentially Potsy Mcgee explains what happened in Wrong Turn 1-4 in just a few sentences. After telling this story, they, you guessed it…they…

 

TAKE

A

WRONG

TURN!

 

Now if you notice, they pass right by someone. They don’t hit him, but he lies on the ground as though he was struck. They assume, since he’s on the ground, that logically he was struck. Oh, also this man is the leader of the cannibals.  Also he is John Locke.

 

I CAN IMPERSONATE WHOEVER I WANT SO DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO!

 

Our cast of substance users checks to see if Locke is dead and, to their surprise, he attacks them. So they each take turns beating him up.

 

Now STAY dead!

 

Now if a man falls in the middle of the woods, does not a police officer hear it? The answer is yes, also immediately.

 

DERP I AM A POLICE OFFICER! EVERYTHING IS ARRESTED!

 

After the police officer arrests EVERYONE she sees, she tells the rookie officer to wait with the car. I’m guessing it’s to have someone arrest the car if it does anything suspicious? Did I mention he was not given a name? Well, it’s a horror film (thing), so he has to die. Looks like his life just took a…

 

WRONG TURN!

 

And no, I have no idea why they look inbred and Locke doesn’t. Anyways he is imprisoned, and soon the inbred cannibals (cannibreds?) try to free him. So they take down a power line pole and suddenly the entire town is without power. Apparently this one downed telephone pole affects the entire town, but not the concert. Also, cell phones.

 

Because, hell, why not.

 

I’m already getting sick of describing the plot of this thing. So, yes, the power goes out, and then we see each character die one by one. Finally the sole survivors is the police woman and a girl who losses her eyes.

 

If I’m blind, I won’t have to see the movie!

 

…and they both die. Doesn’t make sense for the story, but if they killed the cannibreds, how could they possibly make Wrong Turn 6?

AWARD WINNING DIALOGUE

 

SHERIFF

The Marshall will be here to pick you up in the morning.

JOHN LOCKE

You won’t live that long.

SHERIFF

I highly doubt it.

 

Because that makes sense.  Here’s another one that hints that the filmmaker previously made porn films…

 

SLUT GIRL

Hi officer, I think I took a wrong turn. Can you tell me how to get backstage?

OFFICER

Another wrong turn, eh? Well I can show you but you have to have a pass to get in.

SLUT GIRL

I would do ANYTHING for a pass.

 

And here’s my favorite…

SHERIFF

They want us to split up it makes it easier for them to kill us that way so we should stick together. Here until dawn. Now get to your stations.

STONER

We need to call for help.

SHERIFF

The lines are dead, cell too.

MOSES

Sheriff, Lee has a short wave radio on the back of his thrift store. I’ve seen it.

STONER

You’re going to need power!

SHERIFF

He has a generator too. Good thinking Mose.
Now I’m going to go across the street to the store. I’m going to fire
up the short wave and call for help.

MOSES

I’ll call for help.

SHERIFF

No, you stay here.



It only took her 40 seconds before she changed her plan.  I just…I….you know what, I’m glad she died.  NEXT…

Amityville: The Evil Escapes

This made-for-tv movie opens with a group (gaggle?) of preachers shaking bells in the Amityville house.

 

Also Darth Vader’s summer home.

 

The demon, trapped with no where left to go, Looney Tunes it’s way into a lamp.

 

This happens.

 

You think that would be the end of it, but the filmmakers hate us so………YARD SALE TIME!

 

Demon possessed items – make offer.

 

An old woman buys the lamp for her sister in Florida.  As she is telling us the setup for the film, she cuts herself on the lamp.

 

Sharp? Dangerous? My family will LOVE this.

 

The possessed lamp is then transported to the sister by Grossy Ms. Gross Finger.

 

LOL WHAT’S A DOCTOR?

 

It just so happens that Grossy Finger’s sister has her daughter and kids moving in with her.  TIMING!  Oh, also their last name is Leacock.

 

Leacock

 

Once the EVIL LAMP is plugged in, it cartoons it’s way out of the cord.

 

Of course.

 

…and hilarity ensues.  First…

 

it blinds things!!!

 

…and kills the family bird…

 

…and possesses a chainsaw!

 

THIS IS LESS FUN THEN I HAD HOPED!

 

Right when we think the film has ran out of steam, we get the classic, “hand in the disposal,” bit.

 

I’m having a BLAST!

 

Oh, wait, make that TWO HANDS in the disposal!

 

What? Really? Let me try!

 

OMG YOU LIED!

 

Some other things happen, such as the youngest girl in the family becoming possessed, and a couple people die.  Eventually the priest from Amityville (possible the other films?) seeks them out and tries to help the family out.  Trying be the key word.

 

I don’t really know what I’m doing!

 

Tired of this film, the lamp allows itself to be picked up by the OLDEST PERSON THERE and tossed out the window.

 

I REGRET NOTHING!

 

As the family embraces each other after such a terrible lamp-related ordeal, we see the wreckage of the lamp…and this final shot….

 

If you’re not laughing, you’re dead inside.

 

AWARD WINNING DIALOGUE

DELIVERY GUY
That’s a nasty looking finger lady.

NASTY LOOKING FINGER LADY
At my age, I’ve had worse.

 

WHAT?  What kind of things has this woman seen?

 

Old Woman 2

I’ll have Walt look at that saw…and that kettle…
and that old lamp…it’s been doing funny things lately.

Uh…what?

 


Pet Sematary 2

I knew this would be a good film when, within 2 minutes, we see this…


 

Evil eyed pets are SO in this year.

 

The premise of this film, is that there’s a cemetery that, when something is buried there, they come back to life. Be it a…

 

 

…dog…

 

 

…police officer…

 

…or even a woman!

 

I’m getting ahead of myself.  So Pet Sematary 2 opens with a film within a film (filmception), on an actress.  We find out that her son is played by Edward Furlong and that she also has a tendency to die shortly after being introduced.

 

 

Great job on the special effects guys! I can almost feel me not being alive anymore!

 

Well you can’t have a mom dying without John Connor reciting his line from T2.

 

 

MoooooOOOOOOOOOM!

 

And away we go to the town of Ludlow.  John Connor’s dad (played by Anthony Edwards) opens up a veterinary clinic.

 

Always in the ER this one…

 

After being open for less then 10 minutes, they already have a patient!

 

it’s a doggie! (pre-undeath)

 

John Connor befriends the kid with the dog, who happens to have an abusive father-in-law.  Who happens to love rabbits and loves to watch the rabbits love the rabbits…

 

It’s wabbit season!

Yes it is…

…yes it is.

 

The wabbit lover, who loves them rabbits, HATES dogs.  And kills the boy’s dog because it barked too loud.  Wait, an animal is dead in a film called Pet Semetary 2?  I think we all know where this is going…

 

PET….

…SEM…

…ATARY!

 

So the dog comes back to life and is a little…off.  We know this because the dog kills the wabbit lover.  That’s probably not a thing the dog would have done before being semataried.   John Connor and his friend witness the death, and realize there’s only one thing they can do…

 

PET…

…SEM…

…ATARY!!!

!!!!!!

 

That night the wabbit lover comes back from the dead and kills his son, wife, and even a teenager!

 

Dirt bikes…how do they work??

 

Amidst all these happy reunions of boy and dog, wabbit lover and rabbits, dirk bike and teen’s head, John Connor has the idea of bringing back his mom by using the…

 

PET…

 

…oh never mind you get the idea.  Pet Sematary.  He uses the Pet Sematary to bring his mom back to life……………..pet sematary.  So, at this point, John Connor’s father, Goose, gets wind of what is going on and, in trying to find his son, comes face to face with the undead wabbit lover.

 

ride into the…DANGER ZONE!

 

The final scene has John Connor figuring out that maybe an undead mother is a BAD idea and leaves her.

 

So she promptly melts.  As one does.

 

AWARD WINNING DIALOGUE

WABBIT LOVER
(talking to stepson)
I thought we were going to tone down your tubby ass?

TUBBY ASS
Hey…so sorry I’m not the stud you are.

WABBIT LOVER
You better watch your mouth Drew buddy, I’ll take that hey and shove it right back down your throat.

Also…

 

Hey, what’s the matter with Woofie?

 

HOSTEL 3

Okay, quick, give me a movie that’s about a few guys celebrating a bachelor party in Las Vegas?  Think you have it?  Just wait.  In this same film, they party TOO hard, and one of them goes missing.  Still think you know it?  Okay, well what if the rest of the film focuses on them searching for their friend? Wait, The Hangover?  What’s that?  No, I was talking about this gem of a thing!

 

Only unrated because critics refused to watch it.

 

Yeah, not only did they steal the premise, they cover most of what I said in the first 20 minutes.  I think the “filmmakers,” believed condenscing the story of The Hangover within their own film would make it the superior of the two films.  After the ripoff of a premise they mix things up a bit.  Instead of the missing friend being trapped on the roof, he’s DEAD.

The premise is that rich people capture not-rich people to be tortured in front of them…and…uh…hell, I’m done with this.  I can’t do this anymore.  This movie was terrible, and you should feel terrible if you watched this on purpose.