I Watched Baby’s Day Out

A baby from a wealthy family kidnapped.  A group of bank robbers looking for a ransom.  A baby avoiding his captors and wanders the city, avoiding near-death at every turn.  Oh, you thought this was going to be a comedy?  So did the creators.

Oh, John Hughes?  What have you done!!

John Hughes?  What have you done!?

I’m guessing John Hughes wrote this script and pitched it as a Home Alone prequel.  A child being chased by over-the-top villians?  Check.  The villains getting various fluids poured onto them?

Check.

Check.

Double check.

Double check.

And check some more.

And check some more.

The only real distinction between the two is that this film stars a baby.

Baby Bink.

Baby Bink.

Yep, Baby Bink.  His mother never calls him, Bink.  It’s always, “Baby Bink.”  He’s a 9 month old baby who loves shenanigans!

Shenanigans.

Shenanigans.

At the beginning of the film, we’re introduced to his babysitter.  She’s a real Samantha.  I don’t know what that means, but she’s played by Cynthia Nixon, so I HAVE to assume that description applies.

A real Samantha.

A real Samantha.

The book that Samantha reads to Baby Bink is called, “Baby’s Day Out.”

Hey!  That's the name of the movie!  Coincidence!

Hey!  That’s the name of the movie! Coincidence!

The book is about a baby that travels to different locations.  The movie is about this baby traveling to each of these locations.  Hey, way to toss in movie spoilers in the opening scene, idiots.  Baby Bink (I hate typing that), is kidnapped by the villains and makes an escape.  They chase after him, and he eludes them as he journeys to each location.

Baby Bink is the Mr. Magoo of babies.

Baby Bink is the Mr. Magoo of babies.

This film relies heavily on the idea that everyone is blind.  The kidnappers are the only ones to spot the kid.  Everyone else is totally oblivious to Baby Bink.  I was hoping there would be a twist that the baby is a ghost, but this never happened.  Perhaps it’s on an alternative cut? Anyways here’s a few examples of people being oblivious that there is a child crawling directly beside them.  Warning: your eyes might roll to the back of your head and stay there.

The news reporter talking about the kidnapping doesn't look down as she grabs the microphone that Baby Bink pulled from her hand.

The news reporter talking about the kidnapping doesn’t look down as she grabs the microphone that Baby Bink pulled from her hand.

Oh, and his mother turned away at that exact second to look at the wall for some reason.

Oh, and his mother turned away at that exact second to look at the wall for some reason.

 

Baby Bink crawls into a rotating door...

Baby Bink crawls into a rotating door…

and a person pushes the very door that he pressed against.

…and a person pushes the very door that he pressed against.

Here's two construction workers who maybe saw the baby, but are on their lunch break.

Here’s two construction workers who maybe saw the baby, but are on their lunch break.

Here's a lady with a bag that eats other bags.

Here’s a lady with a bag that eats other bags.

In this scene, the villains are talking to POLICE OFFICERS, who don't question the large baby-sized lump on the guy's lap.

In this scene, the villains are talking to POLICE OFFICERS, who don’t question the large baby-sized lump on the guy’s lap.

The real villain of this movie is negligence.  Shame on you, city folk.  Anyways, let’s talk about the supposed villains of this piece.

Pictured:  Three guys dumber then a baby.

Pictured: Three guys dumber then a baby.

These three were originally bank robbers, but have decided to turn to kidnapping of babies from the rich.  Or something.  First off we got Brian Haley (who has played a cop/detective in 5 different projects).  Joe Pantoliano (Teddy, the guy that died at the beginning (end?) of Memento).  And finally Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds, also Fat Tony from The Simpsons).  These three are in the film more then the mother.  We just cut to her in her mansion looking sad.  Because why bother searching for your son yourself when you can hire others to do so for you?

This is the only time where she begins to show emotions.  She even comes close to shedding a tear!

This is the only time where she begins to show emotions.  She even comes close to shedding a tear!

Speaking of tears.  How about some tears of laughter??  Like this scene for instance, where Baby Bink squeezes Fat Tony’s penis!?

Or how about the scene that immediately follows where Baby Bink acquires a cigarette lighter (with the use of black magic) and lights Fat Tony’s penis on fire?  Genius!

Okay, so you’ve seen the baby manipulating Fat Tony’s dick, you’ve seen people oblivious to children crawling on the ground, but are you ready for this doozy?  Near the end of the film, when all hope is lost in finding Baby Bink, Samantha comes up with an idea.  There have been, “baby sightings,” throughout the city.  Yep.  Each of these sightings correspond to the book that Samantha reads to Baby Bink (I will stop saying the full name once it sounds less ludicrous).  She realizes what the next location in the book is, and of course, they find Baby Bink there.

At the only veteran/retirement home in the entire city.

At the only veteran/retirement home in the entire city.

As they travel home in a sea of limos, Baby Bink sees the home of the kidnappers and calls out for his book.  He calls his book, “Boo-boo.”  Again, the fact that the baby can only say, “boo boo,” leads me to believe that the baby was originally written to be a ghost.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, He calls out for his book, and Samantha hears him and tells the driver of the limo that Baby Bink is pointing  to a building.  A small goof in this scene is that he DOESN’T POINT TO ANYTHING.

You said he's pointing?  I don't think that word means what you think it means.

You said he’s pointing? I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

So, going on this reliable 9 month old source, the police gather everyone in the force to surround the building and arrest the kidnappers.  The End.

I would recommend this film to anyone that has a child and the absolute worst taste in movies.

P.S. – If you do find yourself being forced to watch this film and happen to have alcohol nearby, feel free to drink anytime someone says, “baby.”  They say it 55 times.  Not responsible for the likely alcohol poisoning.

 

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I Watched Daddy Day Camp

I’m beginning to absolutely LOATH this segment of my site.  I thought, oh, watching terrible films might be a bad experience, but at least I can make fun of it.  There are films that are so bad they’re great.  Daddy Day Camp is not that kind of film.

Cuba Gooding Jr. - Lowering expectations since 1996.

Cuba Gooding Jr. – Lowering expectations since 1996.

Daddy Day Camp is Cuba Gooding Jr. at his worst.  Yeah, that’s saying something.  Did you know this movie is a sequel?  It’s a sequel to Daddy Day Care.  But hey, that’s not relevant because it’s never mentioned nor are there any of the same characters (such as Eddie Murphy) from the first film.  The only similarity between films is that they both star once-reliable actors who now star in terrible films for a paycheck.

Here’s the trailer!

Not enough for ya?  How about the ENTIRE FILM.

Two things about this.  First, they labeled it as Daddy Day Care because hey, who cares?  Also this was uploaded back in February so yeah, doesn’t seem like the studios care about this movie at all.  In fact it’s sitting at a comfortable 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.  You almost have to try to get a score that low.

THE PLOT

It’s a kid camp movie.  Is there really any guesswork about what this movie is about?   There’s a good camp with a ragtag group of kids and another camp, an “evil” camp, that the good camp must beat in an event at the end of the film.  Will the good camp beat the evil camp?  You might be curious……if you are a dumbass.  Will the ragtag group get into shape for the big event at the end of film via montage?  Nope.  There isn’t A montage.  There are FOUR MONTAGES.  Why?  Because shut the hell up, that’s why.

No montage is complete without an arm wrestling match with an army soldier.

No montage is complete without an arm wrestling match with an army soldier.

This cheap excuse for a story would be okay if the jokes would work.  I know you’re probably thinking I’m not the right age for this film, but this film isn’t for anyone…of any age.

THE CHARACTERS

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a disappointing actor that runs a business called Daddy Day Care.

Also we're told it rocks, apparently.

Also we’re told it rocks, apparently.

He decides, “hey, I should take my kid to camp!”  The camp in question is Camp Driftwood, Cuba’s summer camp from his childhood.  Cuba invests money into Driftwood, and so the previous owner leaves because…script?  Now Cuba and his friend, a Jeff Garlin look-alike, must run the camp and recruit children.  Also, they only have a month to prove that the camp is running smoothly or the bank will take it because…again, the script says so.

Fake Jeff Garlin only exists to make fart jokes.

LOL HE IS USING A TOILET!

LOL HE IS USING A TOILET!

LOL FARTING! #killmenow

LOL FARTING! #killmenow

The ragtag group of kids are incredibly forgettable.  I just watched the movie last night and I can’t remember any real traits for the characters.  Oh, there’s a short kid that pukes a lot.

Character development!

Character development!

Plot point!

Plot point!

"I've made a terrible career choice."

“I’ve made a terrible career choice.”

Also, a kid with a mullet.  He even says, “business in the front, party in the back.”  If you’re writing a script and decide to just rip lines from a movie, maybe pick ones from a movie that’s not Joe Dirt?

That's the proper response, actress.

That’s the proper response, actress.

The villains are….less then one dimensional?  Half dimensional?  There’s the leader of the camp.  He’s just a douche.  He hates camp Driftwood because….because…I don’t know.

Evil teeth!

Evil teeth!

The camp he runs is full of product placement.  I guess this is to show they’re evil?  Actually I think the studio just needed to fit product placement into their film, so they decided to fit as much product placement as they can within the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Hey Tommy, can you turn it so that the camera can read the label?  Thanks, we really need that Red Vine $

Hey Tommy, can you turn it so that the camera can read the label? Thanks, we really need that Red Vines $.

Hey kid, you're blocking our ad.

Hey kid, you’re in the way!  Get the hell off the camera!

We have to include the website link because it's in the script.

We have to include the website link because it’s in the script.

I hope this wasn't product placement and the kid just really likes playing Final Fantasy during takes.

I hope this wasn’t product placement and the kid just really liked playing Final Fantasy during takes.

The real villain of the film?  The director: Fred Savage.

Seriously.

Seriously.

Kevin Arnold, what the hell?  Did you owe someone a favor?  How did you go from directing episodes of Party Down, It’s Always Sunny, and Modern Family to this?  I hate this movie.  I hate that I watched this movie.  I hope you’re happy Fred Savage, you son of a bitch.