I Watched Daddy Day Camp

I’m beginning to absolutely LOATH this segment of my site.  I thought, oh, watching terrible films might be a bad experience, but at least I can make fun of it.  There are films that are so bad they’re great.  Daddy Day Camp is not that kind of film.

Cuba Gooding Jr. - Lowering expectations since 1996.

Cuba Gooding Jr. – Lowering expectations since 1996.

Daddy Day Camp is Cuba Gooding Jr. at his worst.  Yeah, that’s saying something.  Did you know this movie is a sequel?  It’s a sequel to Daddy Day Care.  But hey, that’s not relevant because it’s never mentioned nor are there any of the same characters (such as Eddie Murphy) from the first film.  The only similarity between films is that they both star once-reliable actors who now star in terrible films for a paycheck.

Here’s the trailer!

Not enough for ya?  How about the ENTIRE FILM.

Two things about this.  First, they labeled it as Daddy Day Care because hey, who cares?  Also this was uploaded back in February so yeah, doesn’t seem like the studios care about this movie at all.  In fact it’s sitting at a comfortable 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.  You almost have to try to get a score that low.

THE PLOT

It’s a kid camp movie.  Is there really any guesswork about what this movie is about?   There’s a good camp with a ragtag group of kids and another camp, an “evil” camp, that the good camp must beat in an event at the end of the film.  Will the good camp beat the evil camp?  You might be curious……if you are a dumbass.  Will the ragtag group get into shape for the big event at the end of film via montage?  Nope.  There isn’t A montage.  There are FOUR MONTAGES.  Why?  Because shut the hell up, that’s why.

No montage is complete without an arm wrestling match with an army soldier.

No montage is complete without an arm wrestling match with an army soldier.

This cheap excuse for a story would be okay if the jokes would work.  I know you’re probably thinking I’m not the right age for this film, but this film isn’t for anyone…of any age.

THE CHARACTERS

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a disappointing actor that runs a business called Daddy Day Care.

Also we're told it rocks, apparently.

Also we’re told it rocks, apparently.

He decides, “hey, I should take my kid to camp!”  The camp in question is Camp Driftwood, Cuba’s summer camp from his childhood.  Cuba invests money into Driftwood, and so the previous owner leaves because…script?  Now Cuba and his friend, a Jeff Garlin look-alike, must run the camp and recruit children.  Also, they only have a month to prove that the camp is running smoothly or the bank will take it because…again, the script says so.

Fake Jeff Garlin only exists to make fart jokes.

LOL HE IS USING A TOILET!

LOL HE IS USING A TOILET!

LOL FARTING! #killmenow

LOL FARTING! #killmenow

The ragtag group of kids are incredibly forgettable.  I just watched the movie last night and I can’t remember any real traits for the characters.  Oh, there’s a short kid that pukes a lot.

Character development!

Character development!

Plot point!

Plot point!

"I've made a terrible career choice."

“I’ve made a terrible career choice.”

Also, a kid with a mullet.  He even says, “business in the front, party in the back.”  If you’re writing a script and decide to just rip lines from a movie, maybe pick ones from a movie that’s not Joe Dirt?

That's the proper response, actress.

That’s the proper response, actress.

The villains are….less then one dimensional?  Half dimensional?  There’s the leader of the camp.  He’s just a douche.  He hates camp Driftwood because….because…I don’t know.

Evil teeth!

Evil teeth!

The camp he runs is full of product placement.  I guess this is to show they’re evil?  Actually I think the studio just needed to fit product placement into their film, so they decided to fit as much product placement as they can within the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Hey Tommy, can you turn it so that the camera can read the label?  Thanks, we really need that Red Vine $

Hey Tommy, can you turn it so that the camera can read the label? Thanks, we really need that Red Vines $.

Hey kid, you're blocking our ad.

Hey kid, you’re in the way!  Get the hell off the camera!

We have to include the website link because it's in the script.

We have to include the website link because it’s in the script.

I hope this wasn't product placement and the kid just really likes playing Final Fantasy during takes.

I hope this wasn’t product placement and the kid just really liked playing Final Fantasy during takes.

The real villain of the film?  The director: Fred Savage.

Seriously.

Seriously.

Kevin Arnold, what the hell?  Did you owe someone a favor?  How did you go from directing episodes of Party Down, It’s Always Sunny, and Modern Family to this?  I hate this movie.  I hate that I watched this movie.  I hope you’re happy Fred Savage, you son of a bitch.

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