A Very Tanner Thanksgiving

Well it’s that special week.  Time to sift through ads to find the best deal on that new blender you’ve been wanting.  Yes your kids are all, “but mommy, we already have a blender.”  Which you reply, “You’re right, but we have a 7 speed, and I need a 10 speed to make that mix drink that will make you guys more tolerable.”  They’ll cry, you’ll feel dirty, but in the end, that blender will be your salvation, and at such a low price!

Also,  I guess it’s the week of Thanksgiving.  The day we celebrate the pilgrims coming to America…and decimating  the native population.  I’d like to see THAT depicted in an outline of a children’s hand.

Anyways, I watched a Thanksgiving episode of Full house and here’s the recap.  This is a VERY early episode of Full House.   So if you’re looking for a recap of an episode with the Gibbler, look elsewhere.  Also if you’re a fan of that character, I’m sorry, but you’re the worst.

“The Miracle of Thanksgiving”

One thing that has to be mentioned is the original intro.  It’s not too dissimilar from the latter seasons.  We get the crew cruising on the Golden Gate Bridge, laughing at things happening off screen, as well as frolicking down a hill.  But then this quick shot happens.

Now, bad use of blue screen aside, if we were to see the few seconds that happened before this shot we would most definitely see our girls JUST miss being T-boned by a trolley.  Who’s putting the girls in danger?  Is it Jesse?

Come on, I’m on my bike….have mercy.

I can’t imagine it’s Joey.  I haven’t seen every episode, but I don’t believe he knows how to drive.  Unless it’s his good friend/alter ego, but this is B.M.W. (Before Mr. Woodchuck).  So that just leaves Danny.  But I can’t see our family patriarch risking the lives of his….

….What are you…

…oh…oh God no…

Now let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this episode.  Or shall I say turkey and gravy of this episode?  Yeah, that was a lame joke, but I can only make it once a year.  So anyways, Danny barges into Michelle’s room with a pine cone turkey he spent all night working on.

You’re NEVER too old to dress up a pine cone!

After forcing everyone upstairs out of their beds, Danny wakes up Joey who doesn’t have his own bedroom.

I’m LIVING in the LIVING room! Oh, I’m something else, right?!

What’s great about this, is that, there are SEVERAL places that Joey could be living in the house.  Like the basement that Jesse and Becky lived in for quite some time.  Or better yet, how about that giant freaking attic that magically appeared when Becky had kids?  When someone gives birth in the house, does the house, in return, give birth to rooms?

Stop knocking me up, Tanners.

So, Danny purchases all the ingredients, but there’s a problem…THEY’RE MEN AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK!

What’s a vegetable?

Luckily Stephanie and D.J. mention that they’re women, and through the Principle of Being Women, they know to prepare the turkey as well as make a pumpkin pie.  Also, I’d like to point out that Stephanie, later in the episode, mentions she’s 5.  If she could make a pumpkin pie from scratch at the age of 5, I really think she should have kept up with her culinery skills, but I’ll save that for another Full House rant.

So the turkey is taken out of the oven and oh no, it’s FROZEN.

-Hey Jesse, this turkey is a real TURKEY.
– Shut up, Joey.

As the boys make this discovery, D.J. goes on and on about how she misses her mom, this being the first Thanksgiving without her, and asks her dad if she thinks her mom would be proud that she prepared the turkey all by herself.  Danny, not one to get emotional (unless sitting on a bed set to sad music), tells her that yes, her mom WOULD be proud.  As he is talking, there’s a knock at the door.  Danny uses this doorversion to toss the turkey back into the oven.  When the boys open the door, random blondes appear!

RANDOM BLONDES!

Looking for their uncle’s home, they confusingly stepped into the Tanner manner.  And guess what?!  They have a warm turkey with them.  How convenient.  Danny, devising a plan, ushers the girls upstairs so that he can kill the women and take their turkey.

If you hear screams, it’s just the Thanksgiving Turkey granting our wish of a great Thanksgiving dinner……………and a place to hide the bodies.

Danny, in a moment of clarity, changes his mind of bludgeoning for a bird, and tries to buy the turkey from the girls.  He fails though, when Joey frightens them with some physical humor.

I’m a CHAIRMAN!. WACKA WACKA!

How did this happen you ask?  Let’s rewind this tale.  While preparing alcoholic beverages to serve the broads, he gets his tongue stuck in a bottle.

I seriously need to re-examine my life…

You would think Joey can’t become even MORE incompetent at this point, right?  Well, you’d be wrong. As he rounds second base with the bottle, the oven goes up in smoke. OH NO, THE TURKEY!  Rather than get Danny and/or Jesse to save the day from, you know, burning the house down and risking all of their lives, he tries to get them to guess what’s happening by playing charades.

Okay…uh, it’s two words…and sounds like…..attention whore?

By the time they jump over the hurdle that is Joey Gladstone, they find the turkey to be burnt to a crisp.

Maybe no one will notice it if I stand perfectly still…

Now, I must say, unless there was a commercial break in the original airing of this episode, only four minutes have passed since Danny tossed the frozen turkey into the oven.  FOUR MINUTES.  Did Joey add an additional setting on the oven that says “comically hot?”

I bet he did. That idiot.

The girls come downstairs to find that Thanksgiving is ruined.  D.J. blames herself for the turkey and runs upstairs.  Stephanie, also needing to react to something, destroys her pie.

I don’t understand how to hold things.

Both girls, destroying everything they touch, run up to their bedrooms to sulk.  Now, fans of Full House should know what to expect.  It’s time for a little “sitting on beds while heartfelt music plays.”

Everything is okay now!

Yeah, you said it!

As the girls are now prepared to take on the day and ruin everything else that is good, Danny asks Jesse if he’s okay.  For those that don’t know, Jesse is Danny’s brother-in-law so as Danny lost his wife,  Jesse lost his sister.  It’s a very special episode.  Not wanting to talk about it,  Danny forces Jesse to spill his sadness anyways.

Jesse, sit on the bed.

No, you can’t mak…

…ah, damnit.

We end this tearjerker of an episode with the family eating their failed Thanksgiving dinner in hopes that life will get easier at the Tanner house.  Which, thanks to the  eventual appearance of Kimmy Gibbler’s character, will never happen.

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